Last year in August was my first time in a hospital gown. (August 2006) Today I donned one again. And it even started last year on a follow-up call for my surgery ... supposedly as an office call to remove some "skin lesions" (what us Rednecks call moles). To make a long story short, what was suppose to be just a long office call to remove them, ended up as two office calls and a surgical hospital gown!
This time I was set though, I started taking names so I could haunt the nurses if I didn't survive the surgery!
The first nurse I met was Heather. Nice looking young lady and I ask how long she had been a nurse here. "Actually I work in another area of the hospital, I'm just down on this wing as a student." she replied as she handed me the famous bottomless, one size fits all, hospital gown.
"What's this for?" I said, holding up the gown. "The skin lesions are here on my head!" I added pointing to each of them, wanting to make sure THEY KNEW which lumps of skin they were to remove.
"You have to be prepped for any procedure in the OR. Now put it on" she demanded.
"So you are just learning the ropes on the surgical wing?" I said, hoping to befriend this nurse with small talk.
"I am in "Vein Therapy" she relied, "I'll be putting in your IV when I get back." With that, she headed out the door.
BIG RED FLAG! Nurse ... Student ... Needle ... Vein ... Me ... IV ... MINE!
"Oh" I gasped as my heart rate went from 65 to 115 beats per minute.
Heather returned with Susan in tow dragging the tripod with it's needles, hanging bag and tubes. Heather walked to my right side and Susan to the left.
"I assume you are her instructor?" I asked Susan and received a nod of the head.
"And I assume you graduated top in your class?" I inquired needing more reassurance for the coming experiment, receiving another not-quite-so-convincing nod.
"Where did you go to class?" I questioned, still needing more reassurance.
"KSWCF" was her answer.
"I never heard of that. Where is it?"
"Kansas State Women's Correctional Facility at Hutchinson" she said with a slight smile. "Nurse shortage. You can get a job anywhere these days."
I started to run but she grabbed my left arm and Heather my right and started poking. After several attempts and no blood (at least in the needle) we changed hands! Several more attempts there, same results! So we moved up the arm and finally hit pay-dirt but by this time I have little blood soaked cotton balls and tape covering my hands.
"Heather," I sobbed, "I'm sure not giving you an A plus."
But with mission accomplished, they "high five" each other and head out of the room.
Soon the door opens and the familiar "ladies in green" show up to take me down the hall. The head one starts telling me of the sedation procedure and surgical procedure that will be involved. She assures me that the doctor does an excellent job but then they both snickered.
"How long will I be out?" I ask.
"Well this is a fairly mild sedative. You really won't be very out of it. But you won't remember much when you come out of it" was her reply.
"So what you're telling me is that I'll still be in pain .... I just won't remember it?"
"Yeah. Pretty much."
Well I can't recall much after that, it's all a little fuzzy. But I do remember walking out to the car with Heather. As we walked through the lobby, there was a guy giving my stitch covered, Frankenstein looking head a serious look. Heather, seeing his concerned look, just pointed at me and said "Lobotomy."
Next August I am avoiding the hospital for a vacation spot somewhere!
PS the facts here might be slightly skewed since the sedation did play havoc with my already diminishing memory