Well we went through stage two today of proving I have gallstones. I reckon the “bent over retching in pain” and the x-rays that even a redneck like me could see wasn’t enough proof. Now today’s procedure wasn’t bad, I admit that. But I had to go to the same “lab” that I went to several years back for diverticulitis and it is forever burned into my memory.
When they were checking for diverticulitis, this little nurse told me to take off my wranglers. Now folks, I am somewhat of a shy individual, so the start of that procedure was somewhat of an embarrassment. BUT THEN she took out this probe hooked to a garden hose and put it where the sun don’t shine! That ordeal still sends shivers up my spine!
Well, today they led me down the hall to the same room. I was doing OK until that SAME nurse with the garden hose showed up. I would have been out of there in a flash but they had the door blocked. She assured me there were no needles in this procedure or probes to be inserted into any of my orifices so I relaxed somewhat. (But I kept a leery eye on that nurse just incase.)
She asked me a few of the same questions that the ER nurse ask (I was only about 30 feet away from the ER! You would think they would keep records or something!) But anyway, she asked me to take off my shirt and then squirted some of this jelly stuff all over my belly then went to rubbing this hand held sensor across it.
Now this machine had all sorts of flashing lights and buttons. I would have given my eyeteeth to have gotten to play with the thing. I even asked if she could let me have a few of them pictures so that I could attach one with this blog for proof but she said no.
She showed me my heart (which for those of you who do not believe I have one, IT’S THERE!), the gall bladder and finally the stones. (Looked like pencil erasers to me.) And then she went “hmmm” in a serious tone as if she had found something. Now folks, a doctor or nurse should never do things like that to us hypochondriacs.
“What’s wrong?” I asked
“I can’t find it,” she said as she continued her search.
“Find what? You just showed me the stones!”
“Yes," she continued, "but they told me that as big a sissy as you are, there would probably be a uterus!”
There’s a wisenheimer in every crowd. Oh well, surgery tomorrow at 11 AM.